'Hotdogs' in 'Eating My Words' Anthology

Available now, my story 'Hotdogs', features in the Eating My Words Anthology alongside some other super-duper story tellerers. Take a look-see.
Paperback on Amazon, Kindle on Amazon.

The Funerals at Christmas - in the Amazon

The Funerals at Christmas, available on Amazon. Ninety-nine pennies - dig into your pockets pallys and scally-waggers 

Click Me and BUY The Funerals at Christmas

'Heat the bake...came to eat your team steak.'

My cover art in baked form, jeepers. Three stories appear in the non-edible Litmus 2014 Anthology.  

Tuna

The conversation was in full swing.

“And they say his balls have swollen to the size of tubas Hank. Can you picture it, choo-bas!?”

“Choo-bas? – What the hell is a choo-ba George?”

“Oh sorry, a ‘too-Ba’,” corrected George; remembering he was on the telephone to a man who was impossibly old, and impassably American.

“A toob-ba, a toob-ba what!? A two-by-four? A toob-a-supaglue?

“No, a too-ba, the size of his balls; as big as too-bas, they say!”

“Asbigastoobas – what the hell is Asbigastoobas? Is that what they say he has now – is that why his nuts are so damn big? Jesus George, what sense are you making here!?”

“No. His nuts are so big because of the choo-ma Hank, the choo-ma’s what has made his nuts so big.”

“The choo-ma - that’s what made his nuts big George?”

“Yeah the choo-ma, well to you - ‘the too-ma’.”

“The too-ma!? Like the tomb ‘a Tutankhamun!? Or you mean too-na, as in too-na fish sandwich?”

George cut in sharply, “yeah Hank, that’s it, he has a too-ma from a too-na fish sandwich.”

“Really George? Jeez!”

“NO! Not ‘really’ Hank, Jesus. Bloody hell listen, he has tes-tic-u-lar cancer. That’s why his balls are so big. They have tumas, too-mas in. It’s serious."

 George could hear Hank thinking on the other end of the telephone line.

…

“Imma call you back George.”

The line went dead. 

Stripes Brown (from '...Bounce to the Winespot')

Now pitter-patter a cat - eh?/ That old 

Stripes Brown, Brown sound!/Rounding them

deep down beat squeekers, creepers and creatures,/

reached floorboard hoardes; each moon light marauder/

caught of sorta' saw the sun hawking the town as it frowned...

Doown/ 

dipping, flipping the lazy lounge lanterns of the place I roam I call it home!/

Where pally's and scallywaggers, beggars and baggers, bunny-money sonny toe-taggers

hang loose when the sunset staggers (hmmm...)/

Go sip a dip of that cold tummy chummy, for old crummy rummy's, whose liquor swiggers

quicker than Roadrunner's kicking ticker/ where 'Latenite' rats 

and slipmat cats go back to back, it's like that! In fact/

the evenings leaving teased the believing through downtown ste-re-o sound around the wobbling cobbles 

and tree-top/ topples, bopping absurd herds of Curly Birds they're/

feeling appealing so beak a greet to all of this streets residents, spreading what's found in their downs by the pound/

for pound,/ uptown bound, alter halt (eh) my train of thought./

Late night's and lights rooftop heights we sit a chitter-chattering, yakking much double-dutch and such./

Neighbourhoos kiddies, tikes with trikes leaving their bikes, hiking instead, and head towards home they breeze/

with the swaying ease of the leaves on these/ trees/ grown on the street/

where the sooner moon had blessed the sun when it sneezed.

The Funerals at Christmas

The Funerals at Christmas (e?) Book, cover-art is being shot and is on the way soon. Keep eyes peeled and ears shucked.

Fact-Toe-Tum

Bartender (private, public and strip), Teacher (Secondary, Primary, Sixth Form, TEFL and Special Needs), News Analyst, Games Tester, Q & A Tester, Musician (Writer, Singer, Rapper, Producer etcetera), Retail Assistant, Landscaper, Labourer, Electrician's Mate, Small Business (co-owner), Stone Mason, Journalist (Music, Videogames and other), Classroom Assistant, Computer Repairman, Actor (Extras and Adverts), Lecturer, Creative Director, Student, Marketing Assistant, Arcade Machine builder, Console Modder/Repairman, Tutor, Door-to-Door Salesman, Web Designer (frontend), Bootlegger, Trainer, Life-Coach, Record Label owner, Security Guard.  

  

Ramshackle Babble